constar

a few nights ago i saw some friends at momapos;s whom i havenapos;t seen in a few years.
they seemed mostly like the same girls, only with cool, serious jobs. Nothing much seemed to have changed there. Itapos;s kind of as if time stops in that tow and the people that i left behind stopped too. Iapos;m not saying that in a bad way, the opposite really. They seem to have settled into a life full of certainties and loves and friends and lives they never have to negotiate having. I can only wish i had something of that certainty in my life to replace the feeling that it could all fall away instantly or twist and turn itself around into something unfamiliar and new.

i wonder if i could have stayed there and made myself one of the girls i used to be and kept the life i used to have with the people i used to share it with. I envy the relationships theyapos;ve held onto and havenapos;t had to sacrifice for things that might well be worth it in the end but that you had to give up with no guarantee. I miss a life iapos;ve never had and feel nostalgic about a person i havenapos;t had a chance to be. They had such warmth and security only years and years can bring. I wish i could have held onto that, since i doubt you can ever build it again.

after we left, we came to spend a few days at boyfriendapos;s parents.
the weather has been perfect autumnal goodness and has made me long for the security of a feeling of home. I wish for nothing right now like i wish for the opportunity to breathe between the days that pass me by. I want to mark things and make things with my hands. I want to build a feeling of home around me, to keep me safe the long cold winter months to come. Right now though, thereapos;s nothing in me to give to anyone, including myself. Iapos;m barely a tired ball of stress and confusion. Nothing gets done around me and i fall apart at the effort of being alive. School drifts by and the memory of days when you had to do nothing but lounge around campus getting coffee and sleeping through lectures taunts me with itapos;s absolute impossibility. I wish i could have another fall of nothing but school and coffee some day.

constar, constar .com.